The BEST You Can Do

For Yourself and Your Aging Parent

A how-to book for adult children faced with making decisions regarding care for their aging parent(s). 

Caring for your elderly parent is the ultimate exercise in personal responsibility. It is one area where only you can do what is necessary to rescue yourself from being trapped in the emotional minefield of family dynamics and dysfunction. In The BEST You Can Do, Carol S. Pierskalla, Ph.D. offers problem-solving tools for weary and exasperated caregivers. She helps the reader learn to 

• Identify the 3 Types of Problems 
• Choose Between Needs and Wants 
• Focus on Solutions 
• Name Pushing and Holding Forces 
• Relinquish the Need to Control 
• Set Limits while Ensuring Care 
• Truly Listen to an Elder 
• Create a Journal 
• Beware Shoulds and Ought Tos 
• Seek Fellow Sufferers 
• Chart Your Problems 
• Embrace Actions that Heal 
• Determine Responsibility 
• Put Your Needs First 
• Investigate Your Resources 
• Discover the Real Message 
• Differentiate Between Sacrifice and Exploitation 
• Listen Actively 
• Care for Difficult Parents 
• Read Body Language 
• Respond Appropriately 
• Focus and Be Patient 
• Keep Parents from Feeling Like a Burden 
• Understand Parents Who Can’t Talk 
• Keep from Giving Yourself Reasons to Fail

Each chapter features an exercise to help you help yourself.

Appendixes include:

• support group affirmations
• suggested reading
• “Notes to the Listener”
• alphabetical listing of states’ websites on aging
• group discussion questions

Praise for The BEST You Can Do --

“This is a very helpful little book for children of aging parents. 

“Most people fortunate enough to have elderly parents and to have the opportunity to be involved in their care will face a number of major and often difficult issues. This book goes through the major issues involved with an older person’s increasing care needs, describes how children react and learn to cope, and gives useful advice on how to address these issues. It starts with advice on how to offer limited assistance and progresses though home care considerations all the way to dealing with the possibility of needing to move a parent into an institutional setting. 

“It is a practical book with many positive and useful suggestions for facing these issues successfully, while minimizing stress and guilt. It comes from the perspective of an experienced counselor and leader of many support groups.” —Laurence Z. Rubenstein, MD, MPH, FACP, Professor and Chairman, Reynolds Department of Geriatric Medicine, The University of Oklahoma, HSC 

“Day-to-day caregiving is about identifying concerns and implementing solutions—all while your focus has to stay true to the love you have for your care receiver. The BEST You Can Do helps you work through these every day challenges to keep your life and sanity intact!”
—Joni Aldrich, author, speaker and radio show host of Caregiving SOS 

“Here’s relief for those whose time and energies are consumed by responsibility for an aging relative. In a personal, storytelling style this little book offers a step-by-step approach to self-understanding and permission to regain balance in their lives. 

“I myself am now an aging parent, and I still rely on some of the insights and skills I gained in Carol Pierskalla’s first seminar.”
—Jane Dewey Heald, seminar participant, support group leader, and coauthor of Help for Families of the Aging 

“Many books are now available for patients and caregivers facing those final years with Alzheimer’s disease or the frailties that come after a life full of years. A number of additional books are available to help families deal with end-of-life decisions. This is a workbook for those who seek self-help.

“The focus of Dr. Pierskalla’s teachings is directed to the caregiver, and in case after case it is the adult child, usually a daughter, of a parent who has come to his or her final decline. If the reader has the capacity for introspection, then this will be a very useful book. It will add to your insight.

“Starting with the premise that there are opportunities to know thyself better, the author shares many stories that border on parable. Each example offers up an opportunity to critically look at the situation and work toward an understanding that benefits all parties. This is an exercise in listening and in compromise. It is not goal oriented to problem solving.

“I particularly enjoyed one of the phrases in Chapter 9. In discussing how change should be incremental she notes that ‘burning our bridges is not a good idea.’ There is also an entire section devoted to asking good questions and another section that gives one an opportunity for self-affirmation.

“I recommend this book to those family caregivers who can roll up their sleeves, address the situation with their parents and siblings objectively, and make changes in their own lives as they impact the lives of those around them.”
—Eric G. Tangalos, MD, FACP, AGSF, CMD, Professor of Medicine and Chair, Emeritus, Primary Care Internal Medicine, Mayo Clinic 

About the Author, Carol Spargo Pierskalla, Ph.D.--

Carol Spargo Pierskalla, Ph.D. received her graduate degree from Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois with a specialty in gerontology, the study of aging. While a caregiver herself (her mother turned 100 in 2012) her special concern has been and continues to be the families of the elderly.