You Have To Go Now

This is not a book full of medical terminology, I personally don’t know the language, but I do know the language of love. I lost two sisters who suffered from cancer. Not only can cancer be hard to deal with, but family conflict can also become just as unbearable during these stressful times. It can either bring families closer together or it can destroy them. Where there is already dysfunction, there will surely be more in times of great stress and loss.

What would you do if your loved one was looking you straight in the eyes, begging you to kill them? The torture and pain could be seen all the way into my sister’s soul. She was trying so hard, in all her weakness, to fight her way out of palliative care and her impending death. To be honest, by the end I wanted her to go nearly as bad as she did. I also wanted her to live, but not like this. It was a constant conflict going on inside my heart and brain. “NO ONE SHOULD SUFFER LIKE THIS!” I cried out in my own mind.

I was wracked with pain from my fibromyalgia, and I was exhausted from trying to keep my anxiety disorder in check. I prayed to God every night for relief for her and strength for myself. I prayed that He would make sure I was with my sister when she passed. Above all else, I could not bear the thought of her dying alone. Losing one sister already and not being there for her was something I did not want to experience again. Almost a year of watching someone suffer was too much for any human, much less your own family member. However, I was determined to stick it out. Many days I forced myself to place one foot in front of the other to keep going.

After so much darkness and pain, there comes a gift of light. A surprise, so wonderful and sweet!