Who Doesn't Want Anal Sex?: A Partner-Respecting, Communication-Based Guide to Introducing the Idea to a Reluctant Partner

We wrote this e-book with the goal of bringing couples together around what can be a contentious issue in relationships. Anal sex can be enjoyable for both partners and, for many couples, is part of a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.

In this e-book we outline a new approach that focuses on mutual pleasure. In the (still popular) approach that we consider outdated, men beg and plead for their partner to have anal sex and express disappointment or anger if she refuses. This approach is not surprising given that men tend to be more influenced by reasons or arguments. Men feel like they provided good reasons and so they should get what they are asking for. Women, however, are more likely to be influenced by emotions. For some women, the taboos surrounding anal sex cause them to view women who have anal sex as promiscuous, dirty or desperate and willing to do anything to keep a man.

This outdated approach creates an adversarial relationship in which each partner becomes more and more committed to their own position (YES! vs. NO!) and the quality of the relationship suffers greatly.

Instead of this old and often unsuccessful approach, we describe a communication-based approach in which partners express their needs and desires and are then focused on working toward mutual satisfaction and pleasure. In our approach partners take turns satisfying each other's needs while communicating frequently, offering feedback, and expressing gratitude for their partner's efforts. The approach asks couples to be willing to experiment with new activities rather than relying on the way things have always been. This may well involved leaving your comfort zone to try something new. We want you and your partner to get what you want. We want you happy and satisfied. Couples that make meeting the needs of their partner a priority are much more likely to find their relationship lasting for years to come.

Having our own needs met requires a process, one that’s more like a marathon than a sprint. The first step is creating an atmosphere in which you regularly satisfy the needs of your partner. Acting to satisfy each other also creates a sense that sex is not something that one of you does to the other, but is, instead, something that you do together. Sex becomes a shared experience where you are each looking to please the other. In this e-book we spend a lot of time on ways you can help your partner feel good, satisfied, happy and sexy so that anal sex becomes just one more activity to enjoy together.