The Official Blonde Jokebook

“The man next to me is jacking off,” said the blonde to her girlfriend as they sat in the movie theater.
“Ignore him.”
“I can’t,” said the blonde. “He’s using my hand.”

* * *

A blonde is registering to vote. The clerk asks, “When’s your birthday?”
“June fifth.”
“What year?”
“Every year.”

* * *

How do we know that God isn’t a blonde?
If she were, sperm would taste like chocolate.

* * *

What are Vanna White’s favorite consonants?
North and South America.

* * *

What do you call two blondes standing on either side of a friend with a broken leg?
Support hos.

* * *

A blond walking down the street was attacked by two muggers. They roughed him up a little, took his watch and wallet and told him that he better not go to the cops. He said, “You don’t have to worry about that. I have another watch and wallet; I thought you were after the $6,000 I keep in my shoe.”

* * *

A young recently married blonde bride visited the OB/GYN and said, “Doctor, we’ve been trying to have a baby, but we just can’t get pregnant. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Take off your underpants and lie down on that table.”
“I’d love to doctor, but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”

* * *

A man is so frustrated with his blonde girlfriend that he falls to his knees and says, “Lord?”
A voice booms, “YES, MY SON?”
“I don’t understand these blondes. Why did you make them so beautiful and beguiling?”
“SO THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THEM, MY SON.”
“But why did you make them a perfect shape that’s so incredible to hold?”
“SO THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THEM, MY SON.”
“Yes, but why did you make them so fucking stupid?”
“SO THAT THEY WOULD LOVE YOU, MY SON.”

* * *

Blonde Doris said to her sister, “I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant.”
“But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?”
“Precisely.”

* * *

What’s the best thing to do when you see your blonde wife staggering around on your front lawn?
Shoot her again.

* * *

How can you tell the blonde on the nude beach?
She’s the one with a tampon string hanging out of her ass.

* * *

What do you call a blonde working at the post office?
Overqualified.

* * *

What’s the white stuff you find in the bottom of a blonde’s underwear?
Clitty litter.

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde carpool?
They meet at work.

* * *

What do a fat blonde chick and a moped have in common?
They’re both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one.

* * *

The teacher asked the blonde sitting in the front row, “Can you tell me what 32, 21, and 102 are?”
“That would be Sports Center, Nick at Night, and Turner Classic Movies.”

* * *

She hated fishing, but the blonde nurse loved going down on the doc.

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde housekeeper?
Every time she got divorced she kept the house.

* * *

Why’d the blonde lawyer fail the bar exam?
She thought an anti-trust suit was a chastity belt.

* * *

Why couldn’t the blonde terrorist blow up the bus?
She kept burning her lips on the tailpipe.

* * *

Why was the blonde snorting Equal?
She thought it was diet coke.

* * *

The bartender said to the blonde as he poured her Cabernet, “Say when.”
She said, “Right after this drink.”

* * *

What do blondes call underwear?
Ankle warmers.

* * *

“Mother?” asked the new bride, “how can I make my new husband happy?”
“Love,” said the mother, “can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each others' needs...”
"I know how to fuck, mom,” said the girl. “I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf.”

Many many more blonde jokes inside...