The Jamaican Ninja Bert 2

When Portia Simpson implemented tax on patty, it mad Dr. Bert Kemp, a psychiatrist. He then became a fat ninja, hell bent on murdering Portia Simpson’s head-crown, so every patty can be tax-free. His wife, Marjorie, decides to take care of her mentally-touched husband and hopes she has the strength to stick by him for better or worse. But as she unbearably loses everything and everyone because of Bert’s insanity, she crumbles, thinking she’s holding on to dead hope for her husband to regain his sanity, but will it ever happen?
Scorned by her friends and family for living with a madman her only listening ear is the handsome, thick-bodied Dr. Arnold who wants her for himself. Bert grows jealous and goes to utterly unsound measures to keep his wife’s love but instead, is pushing her away. The ultimate question then is, “Will Bert ever get to take off the Right Honourable Portia Simpson’s head-crown?”

EXCERPT

Bert and Marj were heading to church in the car. Love Fm was playing Goddy Goddy new gospel song and Bert changed the radio station from Love fm to Zip fm, Bambino was playing Bert's favorite song of all time, he cranked up the Vybz Kartel "Cock it up pon the dumper truck."Bert couldn't control himself, that was his jam. He took Marj’s dark glasses off the dashboard and put it on his round face. Marj looked away and allowed him to listen his music, she knew how much he loved this song. When the chorus came along,
“♫♪Back it up pon the dumper truck ♫♪”
Bert mouth start to spring water.
The bass in the beat pounded so nice, ‘Bap, bap!’ it moved Bert everytime it chipped in. He gyrated his bottom a little bit on the leather seat and in sweet joy said,
“Whooo- Lalala ... Hear music gal. A my song thattttt.” He pointed to the radio with one finger and then was about to unbuckle his seat belt, he changed his mind, , gyrated his hips in perfect timing to the beat, side to side, ‘Bap, bap!’
The music start take over Bert’s round body, the chorus reached, “♫♪Set good like the ice inna freezer♫♪”
Bert reached for the radio’s knob and just made one big turn up this time and bucked it.
“♫♪TELL MI SEH YOU LUCKY MEK MI GET BACK MI VISA♫♪’
The loudest of volume frightening Marj she thought she was about to have an accident,
Poor Marj shouted overly terrified from the stabbing blast of the radio,
“Turn that down Bert, we are going to a place of God. A place of praise and worship. We can’t blast Kartel ‘Cock It Up Pon Di Dumper Truck!’”
Before answering her, Bert made the sound of the bass when it chipped in the rhythm,
‘Bap, bap!’ And he moved his shoulders to the ‘Bap, bap!’
“ Turn it DOWN!”
“Marj weh you a get suh bringle fah? A just likkle music enuh.” He unbuckled his seatbelt, got out his seat, turned around, his small bottom facing the windscreen and start to jiggle him bottom like Miley Cyrus.
“Bert turn it DOWN! I can’t concentrate. And sit down in the chair! STOP IT!”
While Marj was driving, Bert was trying his best to balance on his headtop in his grey office-suit but the tie kept hitting him in his eye.
“Bert stop it this instance! Suppose you drop out of the car?!”
Marj slapped him across his belly and turned off the radio completely. She felt exhausted. Not physically, mentally. And even greater emotionally. Still balanced on his headtop Bert said “Marj don’t slap mi when mi a do mi antics. Weh you a put your hand pon mi fah?”
Bert was way more than she now believe she can manage.
He climbed down from his headtop stance and said,
“Bwoy Marj you know how fi bruck people vibes eeh….Hsst.”
He set his tie properly down on his chest.
“Bert please I’m begging you, please, don’t embarrass me when we at the church.” For some reason Marj seemed to almost be crying, she knew she couldn’t ever stand for Bert to embarrass her in front everyone at church.
“Embarrass you like do what, Marj?”