The Autobiography of Cockney Tom

I, Cockney Tom, am the son of a gun, who was so called because his father was a general in the Navy. Now this requires a little explanation. My grandfather, you must know, was master-at-arms on board the Royal Standard, 74 guns. It was his duty as a: warrant-officer to officiate when a man was to be flogged for getting drunk, or any other crime. They were tied up to a grating and punished with the cat in those days. Thank goodness it is not so now in the British Navy. It was the duty of the armorer to attend the surgeon of the ship in full uniform, with drawn sword, to see that the prisoner received his allowance. The armorer was to count the lashes, and the doctor's duty was to tell the boatswain to cast the man off when he saw he could bear no more. So this is how the aforesaid son of a gun's grandfather was nicknamed the flogmaster-general. Gun was armorer's mate, fought in three engagements, and got his discharge without pension. His brother was not so fortunate. He rose by merit to be a second lieutenant, and one day was ordered to man the boat and go on shore at Portsmouth with orders for the ship. When he reached the stairs the men begged so hard to be allowed to go on shore for a short time to purchase some necessaries, that Gun's brother gave them leave, on their engaging, on honor, to return soon. Imagine his feelings when he returned to find that all his men had deserted. In this dilemma Gun's brother did not know what to do; to go on board he was ashamed, and therefore he made up his mind to follow the example of the men and bolt. He did so, was caught, and was sent to Portsmouth gaol to be identified by his brother officers. They came the next morning and took him on board, and placed him in irons. A court-martial was called; he was reduced from lieutenant to common seaman, and then they sentenced him to two dozen lashes, which he received on his birthday as a very unwelcome present. Gun obtained his discharge, went to London, and got married, by which transaction he increased and multiplied the earth to the extent of ten children, I being the wind-up of the lot, which consisted of nine boys and one girl.
Now began some of the stirring and painful events of my wonderful life. My mother died when I was only five months old, and my sister became my only nurse. She used to carry me round the parish to mothers who had babies, and beg a drop of milk from one and another, so that I had many foster-mothers. Now, it so happened that I had a rich aunt, and she made an offer to Old Gun that if he would give me up entirely to her care, she would settle her property on me, as she had no children of her own, which offer Old Gun readily accepted. The will was made and duly registered, and I was taken from Old Gun and placed under the care of a good nurse. Old Gun took to chink, and when drunk visited my nurse, and listened to her complaints against my aunt. He called and had words with her, which so disgusted the old lady that she sent for a lawyer and altered her will, without leaving me a single penny. (So much for drink.) I remained with this nurse about five years. About this time I was nearly burned to death, my nurse having left me to mind the house. I got playing with the fire until my pinafore caught alight, when I ran out into the street all in a blaze. Two working men, who happened to be passing, seized me and threw me into a ditch close by. After that they took me to a doctor, and I was laid up in bed for twelve months. When Old Gun heard of it, he took me away from my nurse, and when he got me home he made use of me to fetch his gin, while he was on the drink. I remember fetching Gun as many as nineteen half quarterns of gin before dinner, and sometimes he would be on the fuddle for a fortnight. Gun having got into debt with a publican, to the extent of two pounds, he summoned him for the amount.