Solitary Man

I get my cart and start out for the farmer’s market. It’s a little bit of a pain, but only for a few more weeks. I walk down the road and then turn off, for the farmer’s market. I get to the farmer’s market and then begin my usual buying path.
The usual vendor still has the good Idaho potatoes. I get what I need, pay the lady, and put the potatoes on my cart.
Big Billy comes over and grabs my right arm.
I tell the boy, “Let go of my arm.”
Billy squeezes my arm as hard as he can and tells me, “I aint gonna let go, until you talk to me.” (He gives me a big, power grin.)
I rotate my upper body and put a big left hook into Billy’s solar plexus. I block his right hand punch, then uppercut into just below his heart, then another big left hook into his teeth.
Billy goes down, like the sack of shit that he is.
Out of nowhere, two city scumbags trot up and they want to arrest me.
I tell the dumb duo, “I’m charging Billy with assault and battery. I’m going to wheel my cart down to the Court House and file charges. If you want to stop me, call for help.”
The two city scumbags eye me.
I wheel my cart down to the Court House and try to file charges. (One of the scumbags comes along with me.)
No one at the Court House wants to deal with me. I tell the Court House people, “I’ll just file my charges at the state level.”
I ask my scumbag watcher, “Do you want to try to arrest me, all by yourself?” (By now, we have picked up a couple of news reporters.) I lecture my scumbag watcher, “I have been assaulted and battered by a boy, larger than I am. I black out, during periods of violence, so I have no idea what happened after I was assaulted and battered. I want to settle the matter in a court of law. Apparently, the forces of law and order in this town want to try vigilante justice. Assuming that your police are organized to the point where you have a Supervisor, I’m requesting that I can talk with said Supervisor, now. I also want to talk with whoever runs the police here, assuming that such person exists. I also want to talk with the Mayor. If you want to try vigilante justice, I’ll try to defend myself.”
The scumbag says, “You’re just looking for trouble, aren’t you?”
I lecture, the boy, “I went to the farmer’s market, to buy food. At the farmer’s market, I was assaulted and battered by one Billy. Billy was larger than I am and he assaulted and battered me, for no reason. I have suffered assault and injury. I want to have a hearing in a court of law. If you have arrested Billy, we can have a hearing right away. If you have not arrested Billy, why are you not protecting my rights?”
The scumbag says, “I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
I reply, “Then you can just deal with my lawyer.” I pull a small device from my pocket and speak into my device. I summarize the situation, including the several witnesses.
My device then cites several legal paragraphs and several precedents.
The scumbag pulls his pistol and says, “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but you’re under arrest.”
I lecture the scumbag, “Every word that you say is recorded by my lawyer. You can’t really shoot an unarmed man. Get your Supervisor in here, NOW!”
(The scumbag is an incompetent. Even a competent person has trouble when dealing with an unknown situation. Incompetent boy can’t deal with the situation at all, except to threaten me with his pistol.) I lecture scumbag boy, “I’m a citizen, going about his daily business. As a citizen, I have certain rights. You are a sworn police officer. You have certain rules to follow. You have drawn your pistol and threatened a citizen, when said citizen poses no threat to you. You have been observed, by the press, while violating police policy. Get your Supervisor in here, NOW!”
About this time, a police car pulls up. Out of the police car steps a scumbag, with more stripes on his uniform than the first scumbag boy. The new scumbag asks, “What have we here?”