New Jokes for Stand-up Comedians 2014

Jokes to fill your Kobo with

One liners that will prove you to be a laugh a minute! Be warned though as it is adult humor....

Examples
- How can you tell when a salesman is lying? When his lips are moving.
- Wonder Woman hasn't really got a cape... She just turns her apron around.
- I would ask you how old you are but I know you canʹt count that high.
- I started to watch a film last night, a warning said "this film contains strong bloody violence", I thought, "no need to swear about it".
- I like women like my computers. Virus free.
- How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.
- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
- A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.
- Voldemort has a flat face because he ran into the wrong wall at the station.
- One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.
- You never see anybody in the Star Wars franchise smoking a cigarette. Although rumor has it that one of the characters does chew baccy.
- Your sister's so ugly dogs hump her legs with their eyes closed.
- Today I feel as worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
- Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
- I recently realized that Shrek's head looks amazingly similar to the female reproductive system. Oh how I laughed when I watched the film to see a green talking vagina.
- My wife said she wanted to try some role-play in the bedroom and bought me a police costume. That night I was nowhere to be seen and eventually arrived about an hour after the event.
- My girlfriend said "You just went through a red traffic lightˏ that's illegal!" I replied "Canʹt beˏ the police car behind me has just done it too!"
- Got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sickˏ but the boss talked me out of it.
- The government wants more police on the streets. There will be after all the job cuts.
- A drunk was staggering along one nightˏ dragging a piece of string along behind him. A passing copper askedˏ "Why are you dragging that piece of string?" The drunk repliedˏ "itʹs a damn sight easier than pushing it".
- I was walking past my local community board the other day, where I spotted a sign that said, 'Women Against Sexism Workshop'. I thought, "Workshop? That's no place for a woman."
- A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
- Women say there's not enough women in comedy - I agree - the only time I see women do a good gag is in pornography.
- My last girlfriend used to drive me up the wall. Cost us a fortune in repairs.