How to Pretend to Have Climbed Everest

(This guide is also available in the bundle "The Collected BABU Guides: Volume One")

People are always bragging about everything. Ooh, I graduated from Harvard at the top of my class. Ooh, I married a model. Ooh, I successfully removed your tumor. For some reason, they’re undeterred by your flipping them off and shouting that they’re complete twats. No, there’s nothing you can say, nice or mean, that will derail them or their steady progress towards happiness and success. They’re better than you, and they know it.

Except, there is one thing that you could say to shut them up in their faces. You have to do something viewed as inarguably incredible. Something that would never occur to any of those snide overachievers to try. You have to climb Mount Everest. Don’t worry, it only takes years of training and a small fortune. I know it seems daunting but this 3,900 word guide will take you every step of the way.

Except, I’m not going to do that. Because then I’d have to do research, and maybe I’d be expected to actually have done it too or something, or even to have talked to someone who has (ugh!). That seems like a lot of work. And really, if you were the type of go-getter capable of climbing Everest then you’d already be one of those twats rubbing your accomplishments in everyone’s faces instead of the other way around.

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to write out my plan for how you can convincingly fool your family and friends (and casual acquaintances) into thinking that you’ve climbed Mount Everest. PLEASE NOTE: I am not an expert on Everest or on climbing, nor am I an expert on climbing Everest. It’s a mountain, right? This is all just spit-balling here. You know, a few suggestions for where to start, if you were to decide to lie to everyone near and dear to you. Hey, why not?

Here’s what some people are saying about this book:

“I paid some high school geek to fake some pictures of an Everest climbing party, inserting me into them. Then I hid in my brother’s garage for three weeks. I showed up looking malnourished with a patchy beard and photographic evidence. Now any time my mom brings up that my brother’s a well paid lawyer, I pull out my giant Everest medal and shove it in her face. That shuts her up pretty fucking fast. Teach her to give birth to me, and then show concern for my life. EVEREST! WHOO!”

-Tommy “Everest” Fabrizio

“My fake Everest trip has landed me so much tail, I’m grinding all over these chicks. You wouldn’t believe it, bu-ddy. Ftftftftftfttft.”

-Some Weasel

“I really wish I found this book before I actually climbed the freaking thing. What a pain in my ass.”

-Edward Hillary

So you’re convinced, right? I’m sure you can see it now, the looks of respect and admiration you’ll give me once you’ve read this book and realized how great I am, because I showed you how to look great like me. I don’t mind, go on and shower me with affection. And money? Yes, and with money.

Disclaimer

As with all BABU (Building A Better yoU) guide books, this is for entertainment and not education. Any actual facts or solutions found in this guide are completely coincidental and everything should be taken with good humor and a grain of salt. All user testimonials have been fictionalized to protect the author.