Geeks, Nerds, and Cuddles

My online relationship with Isaac had made me feel like a normal guy, but meeting in person threatened that. I had social anxiety to the point where I’d been known to have panic attacks in public. It was humiliating but something I was used to. Granted, I was nowhere near as bad as I'd been in high school; I’d gotten a pretty good handle on my anxiety over the years, but it was still bad enough. Bad enough that I rarely went anywhere but work and the few places I felt comfortable. Bad enough that if I didn't get myself under control I would flip out when I walked into the café where we agreed to meet. Bad enough that I was petrified I couldn’t go through with meeting Isaac at all.

Isaac asking to meet in person made me terrified I would lose the one person I cared about as more than a friend. I put him off for months, making excuses about why it wasn’t the right time, or why we should wait just a little bit longer, but this week, Isaac finally sent me a message begging to meet, and I’d been replaying it in my head ever since. His message was more or less an ultimatum. I couldn’t blame him; he wanted a full, real-life relationship, and while so did I, the fear that I’d disappoint him so much he’d never want to speak to me again was strong. I knew if I didn’t go through with meeting him, I risked losing Isaac completely. Isaac was a chance for me to move past my fears and live the kind of life I’d always dreamed of, but the more I yearned for it, the more my anxiety grew. I had promised him I’d be there but nearly every fiber of my being was desperate to turn around and head right back home. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet him, I just didn’t know if I could.