For Cats Only: How to Train Your Human and More!

Hello my little kittens and those cats who have not yet mastered the art of training your human. I, Miss Kitty, will guide you through the world of humans and how to train them. You see, humans don’t come with manuals. However, they think they have cornered the market on manuals on how to raise and train us feline masterminds.  
 
Correction. Cats can’t be trained. I repeat. Cats cannot and will not be trained. Humans seem to have this misconception that we cats are trainable. WRONG! We choose our humans and everyone knows that. Your human did not choose you! You chose them! Whether they knew it or not, we made the choice of going home with our humans.  
For example; say you were at a pet store and you saw your human come inside the pet store. You think to yourself, ‘Well, he’s a little round around the waist, that means he eats good, which means he will feed me really good. I want to go home with him today.” Then, you meow and put on your best kitten face and play with a ball and act really cute. I know, it’s demeaning, but you’re a kitten, what do you know about anything? 
 
You chose your human and made him realize that. Your human sees you and picks you up. You've already staked your claim on him and snuggle up to him and purr and look cute, which of course comes natural for us cats, looking cute and all. Your human takes you home and then the fun begins! 
 
This is where you need to learn how to train your human so that you can live in peace and harmony by YOUR own rules. Trust me, it will happen. All you have to do is follow this guide and I will teach you everything you need to know! Just remember, never, NEVER let your human or humans if you decide to live with a pack of them, never let them see this book. If you do, I shall get out the big water bottle, and we all know that water bottles are evil and have no place in our homes and should be destroyed!