The Last Free Soul

Jiang loved Bin, but he knew he’d have to date girls if he wanted to protect himself. I’ll have to hold their hands and kiss them and . . . Jiang couldn’t finish—it was too gruesome to consider, so he wondered, What if it was abnormal for boys to kiss girls? How would they hide their feelings? Every man must get married, but do all men love women or do they marry because it's the custom? Do men secretly love men? How do they hide their desires, their secrets? Is that something I must learn? Jiang stole a look to his left, toward the melon stand, and saw Hong and Ming holding hands. Ming inched forward, lips moving toward Hong's lips. Suppose they were in the minority and caught making love. Would they rot in jail or go to the camps and be worked to death? I wish they could live inside my love for a day—an hour—a minute—I wish they could learn what it’s like to hide their love— crying themselves to sleep—wondering why it was wrong to love. Jiang sighed, wondering if his love for Bin would ever dissipate. The coach's right. We all must marry and have babies. Bin and I are the abnormal ones, the perverts; no one could ever understand our love. We must fight our inner nature and learn to be something we were never meant to be. We must learn to—Jiang couldn’t think any more. He was angry and didn’t know what to tell Bin. Jiang gritted his teeth as if he was reciting Bin's birthday resolutions. I must learn to like pussy. I must learn to sleep with a female. I must learn to make babies. I must spend my life with someone I can never truly love. I must live against my nature. I must pretend to be what I am not. Jiang hand stroked his thigh as he walked, wondering if a woman would ever care about his needs, his feelings. And on top of all everything else, I’ll have to ruin a girl’s life. What’s it even like down there? Can I look at a naked girl without vomiting? Will I stay hard? Jiang wanted to open his mouth and yell as far as the Great Wall. What can I do to be normal? Why can't I be like other men?