Simon Haynes: 39 books

A barbarian, a halfling and a cleric walk into a bar ... join Hurm, Runt and Father Mephistophiles as they struggle to save the hamlet of Yendour from a marauding dragon. A high fantasy parody from the author of the Hal Spacejock series. A 5000 word short story originally published in Andromeda Spaceways #6

You don't know me, I'm Daniel and me an' mom live in a updown south of Titan City. You've seen vids of carnival rides. There's one what's a big pole with a flying saucer thing going up and down, up and down and spinning round and round. Well our house is like that, only there's just two of us in it...

After a cosy meal, the protagonist retires to his host's workshop for an after-dinner drink ... and becomes the unwitting subject of an experiment. 2000-word short story. Winner of the 2001 Aurealis Award for Horror, Australia's premier speculative fiction award.

After delays and last-minute setbacks, the first colony ship leaves planet Earth for a distant star. Join the crew as they discover all is not as it seems... The flight deck was spacious, with a wide console across the forward end, a large screen and, incongruously, an aluminium table with...

Welcome to the Old Kingdom! It's a wonderful time to visit! There's lots to do and plenty to see! Participate* in a public execution! Wave a pathetic little sword at the Queen's Champion! (With luck**, become the new queen's champion!) Practice real magic***, in public! Make fun of the...

Fast, funny and moving. Strap in for the ride of your life! Clunk, a clapped-out robot, is convinced he's about to be junked. Instead, his penny-pinching boss is sending him off to be refurbished. Being old and wise, Clunk knows there's a catch, but at first it doesn't seem too...

In Thonn's world, Magick has been banned by politicians. Evil, corrupt and twisted ... and people didn't think much of the Magick either. So imagine Thonn's surprise when he spies Eddie de Elder attempting Magick spells inside his remote cottage! Of course, not just anyone can perform...

When Ralph Swindon tinkers in his workshop, the entire world holds its breath ... A 2500 word short story. I pulled into the carpark just as Ralph came out of the surgery. His right arm was heavily bandaged and his face was ruddy, as if he'd spent too long in the sun. He was wearing...

Flat broke and stranded in a South American country, Ralph Gardiner is nursing a beer and contemplating the wreckage of his life. No money, no prospects, and worst of all ... the beer is warm. When a local businessman approaches him with a curious offer, Ralph decides he has nothing to lose ... Light...

Ahh, the Old Kingdom. Come and admire our angry dragons close up. Take a dip with mighty sea serpents in our warm seas. Play catch-the-arrow with merry elven warriors. Drink beer* with the dwarves. For an unforgettable experience, the Old Kingdom is the ideal destination for your next...

Events are unfolding at a breakneck pace in the Old Kingdom! Laugh as your favourite characters spit in the face of danger ... then run for the hills. Admire the verbal jousting and witty wordplay ... or is it the other way round? Gasp as kings and queens lose their heads. 'Enjoy' the groanworthy...

Contains Hal Spacejock books 7-9 plus Albion. Hal Spacejock 7: Big Bang A house clearance job sounds like easy money, but rising floodwaters, an unstable landscape and a surprise find are going to make life very difficult for Hal and Clunk. Hal Spacejock 8: Double Trouble Hal...

Hal returns to his ship after a shopping expedition and finds Clunk in a right old state. Break out the crayons and colouring sheets ... they're booked in for a school visit! Hal and Clunk, stars of the Hal Spacejock comedy series, feature in this 3500-word short story. Hal Spacejock: Visit...

A straightforward cargo delivery takes a left turn after Hal Spacejock gets sidetracked. But with 200 shares in a worthless company on offer, who wouldn't step into a makeshift teleporter which has already claimed one victim? Hal and Clunk, stars of the Hal Spacejock comedy series, feature...